Ephesians 4:22-24, New Living Translation

“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”

All for His Glory: From unfaithful to devoted (Part One)

So, a little backstory about myself. I am the youngest of three kids and the only girl. I have grown up in the church off and on sense I was a little child. I would hitch a ride with my grandma who lived next door when I felt like attending. There was no forcing my brothers or I to go or any kind of routine. When I became of age to decide if I wanted to go or not, I chose not to. So, I knew of God, but I didn't know him.

When I was a very young girl, my brother Josh was diagnosed with leukemia. I believe I was about three years old. That diagnosis really shifted our family dynamic. Constant appointments and running here and there. I had to grow up quickly! While mom was away with Josh, I stepped up and helped my dad do the motherly chores of the house. As selfish as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I was robbed of a childhood at a young age. Josh was my everything. He was my absolute best friend, and we did everything together, and I could confide in him with anything. When it came to my parents and other brothers, I sometimes felt like things I did or said would go unnoticed, and I do not blame my family for that at all. They were coping the best they knew with all they had on their plates. With strength and resilience, I watched as my parents battled right alongside Josh. As a small child though, that going unnoticed impacted me more than I thought. The only one I felt that noticed me was Josh. Even with all he was enduring, he cared about me. He was my protector and my best friend. When I was ten Josh's sickness had worsened, and the Lord called him home. That was one of the hardest days of my life, but also one that my mind has blocked out and numbed until recently. I didn't fully grasp the scars that day had left on me.

Fast forward to the age of thirteen. The age that all kids dream of becoming. To finally be a teenager. Attending Football games, dances, wearing stylish clothes, first boyfriends, and all the fun teen stuff. Not me though. I didn't want all the materialistic things or true friends. I lacked a connection with almost everyone I came across, although I faked friendship well. I craved attention and in all the wrong ways. I began dating and having sex. To the outsiders, though I am sure they thought I was the sweet, nice Jessi they grew to love. I talked a good talk and walked a good walk, when an adult eye was on me. I was a straight A student who appeared to live by the rules. By the age of fourteen I was having sex with multiple guys, drinking, partying, and smoking weed. I was clueless as to why I was like this, but I was. I was chasing this feeling of acceptance and just wanted to feel good. I would scheme and pick petty fights with so-called friends. I would sleep with their boyfriends. This was how I lived all my teen years. Then I ended up pregnant at the age of seventeen with my son Joshua (named after my brother to a boy I wasn't even dating anymore. But being the perfect girl, I pretended to be, I swore I was going to beat the statistics and graduate and get a job. I did just that. I graduated at eighteen and had Joshua shortly after all the while I was still chasing the affection and attention of any guy who would look my way. It was like a game for me to see if I could get them to like me or sleep with me. These years for me marked me with loads of shame, regret, and sadness. I made myself feel dirty and unworthy of any kind of real intimacy or love.

Please come back next week to read, “All for His Glory: From unfaithful to devoted” (Part Two)