John 14:27, New Living Translation

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

I just want to tell you that if you identify as transgender and see this, know that I do not judge you or condemn you. I just want you to know that I understand, I know what it's like to feel that way, I have been there. I have nothing but love and compassion in my heart for you, because I know the struggle.

I was convinced for nine years that I was a man even though I was a woman. I thought transitioning was the answer that was gonna fix it all. That it was gonna take away all the pain I had carried throughout my whole life. I was fully convinced it was gonna completely heal me, free me and give me peace with myself. I just "knew" it was the answer to what was wrong with me. After years of testosterone treatment, I saw a man when I looked myself in the mirror (even though I was still a woman). And my breasts, which I had hated and felt so uncomfortable with since the day I got them, were finally gone. I thought I was happy, I really did. But deep down I was even more broken inside than before. Why was I not at peace? After everything I had gone through. I just couldn't understand it, I remember just feeling a huge disappointment. But I just did my best to keep moving forward anyways, knowing deep down I am still not satisfied with myself.

When I look back on this time today it's so clear that I kept searching for peace in different things. I ended up doing drugs pretty heavy for a couple of months. When I got sober again, I ended up searching in the new age spirituality beliefs and modalities. All I wanted was to feel at peace with myself. I just wanted true, real, inner peace. Like the real deal.

Long story short, I end up in Costa Rica searching in all the new age stuff. I end up receiving a revelation that I am not a man like I have believed for the past nine years. I met the truth face to face, that I was a woman like I was born, and that I will always be one. I suddenly knew that my transition had nothing to do with "being born in the wrong body" and everything to do with the broken, hurt little girl inside of me that had felt ugly and not enough her whole life. I knew the only right thing was to start my detransition journey. I was relieved and heartbroken at the same time, having come to know the truth. It was the hardest, most confusing time of my entire life. I felt so crushingly lost, having absolutely no idea who I was. And I felt so alone, like nobody understood what I was going through. But I just kept trusting the process.

One and half years later after trying to figure this thing out on my own in the jungle of Costa Rica. God comes into my room and reveals Himself to me for the first time in my life. In my room, at night, just me. Out of nowhere. He spoke to me, and in that moment, I knew with every fiber in my being that Almighty God had shown Himself to me. He proceeds to show me that it is Jesus Christ who is the Way, the Truth and the Life. And that it was Jesus who I had been searching for my whole life in all these different things. That deep down it was the love of Jesus that I had been searching for in all these different things. I just want to end with telling you the truth because that's what true love does. The peace you are looking for you will never find in the things of this world. Hormones or surgeries or changing your identity will never give you peace. The peace you are looking for, the peace your soul is so desperately aching for, you will only find in Jesus. He's real. He's the answer you are looking for my friend. And He loves you more then you could ever comprehend.