Ephesians 4:22-24, New Living Translation

“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”

All for His Glory: From unfaithful to devoted (Part Three)

Fast forward to this year, 2025. I had been off and on in my relationship with Jesus. More off than on if I am honest. I felt like I had run to much and I wasn't deserving of Jesus’ love because I wasn't being faithful to him. Unfaithful, to my marriage and my Lord, imagine that. I wasn't built to be faithful. I wasn't deserving of love. So, I stopped all together. I didn't pray, didn't read the Word, and I didn't attend church, I hid. Then God spoke to me one evening in July through a pastor, he said that I wasn't too far gone and nothing I could do could separate me from his love. Something in me shifted that night. The fire rekindled. I was worth it to this God that kept perusing me, so I was going to show Him He was worth my time, and I would pursue Him. I got daily in the Word, and He was really transforming my heart and mind. In August I reached out to a friend and asked her to re-baptize me. I wanted to outwardly display the inward change He was doing in me and burry the old me in the water. He has been speaking and moving in mighty ways since then, but I want to highlight just one moment that really ties this entire testimony together and reveals the why and how God moved in my life. All for His Glory.

I began taking this class called ALL IN. I have daily wrestled with the question of who I am, or what my purpose is for you Lord. This class is meant to focus internally before we move outwardly so you can be all in for Christ. I am only seven weeks into the class currently but two weeks ago is what I wanted to highlight to you. In one of the lessons, we were instructed to find a picture from the point in our lives that we felt we needed to forgive ourselves, and we were to forgive ourselves. I thought the girl I needed to forgive was the one from 2016-2017 who was having an affair and ruining her marriage, so that's what I did. But the Lord told me that it wasn't deep enough. I was baffled, what do you mean, Lord? I was my worst at these moments, of course I needed to forgive her. She almost wrecked my family. Still the Lord insisted this wasn't it; this wasn't the moment I needed to forgive. So, I sat on this for a week and couldn't come up with what moment He wanted me to pinpoint. In some way or another the action of asking God to reveal Himself to me in my life was pressed on my heart during class on a Thursday. That Friday was the belonging conference worship night.

There I stood at the altar worshipping. I felt distracted and unable to connect. So, I seamlessly made an exit from the altar and went back to my seat. Everyone around me seemed to be having throne room encounters as I stood there trying to connect like a bump on a log. I closed my eyes and asked God the simple question, where are you, Lord, what's blocking me? I opened my eyes and glanced to the corner of the room and there was a sign placed there, and it read “I am with you always” immediately I seen a vision of myself the day my brother Josh passed away and my shattered heart in my hands. He revealed to me that this is the girl you need to forgive. That was the exact moment I gave up on love, connection, and myself. What was the point if it just ends in hurt. That day was when I lost my identity. He asked me if I would allow Him to remove the Band-Aids of false healing and let Him truly heal my shattered heart. Filling every crack with His love. That little girl at ten, who skimmed over losing her brother, best friend, protector, and the only one who noticed her, allowed a prison to be built around her. The Lord helped me realize the almost seventeen years of mistakes and shame was me chasing to fill a void. I craved the acceptance and love that I lost the day my brother died, I wanted to be noticed. I was filling a void only the Lord could. The Lord is my protector, my love, and where my acceptance is. My Identity is in Him. I have heard that time and time again, but now it is my revelation.

Now it's Saturday and I am at the altar asking the Lord how to move on from what I had just had the realization of. How do I begin to let His Love fill every crack in my heart? I had another vision. He showed me a single door, shut so tightly. There was a super bright light permeating out of every crack and even the keyhole. He told me that light was His helper, the Holy Spirit. That I had placed up a door so tight that I was blocking Him from moving within me and really healing those hidden parts. So, I said Lord come in fully, I am all in. I then seen the door flying open so quickly.

I have written a testimony once before about five years ago and for some reason it never felt complete or right. Now I know why. I was white knuckling a prison I built for myself and hid from the Lord. He revealed that prison and helped me tear it down. It is only by the Grace and Love of God that I stand here today with a happy marriage and my two kids, because according to the worlds standards I don't deserve those. To most it doesn't make sense, but it makes total sense to me. God can restore any situation. He restored my marriage, my heart, my memories, and my identity. I have no shame or regret. He worked it all out for His Glory. He showed me true forgiveness. Nothing is too big for our God, and I am living proof of that.