Ephesians 4:22-24, New Living Translation

“Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”

All for His Glory: From unfaithful to devoted (Part Two)

When Joshua was six months old, I reconnected with his father, Cody. We ended up getting married shortly after in the courthouse. I would like to sit here and tell you my marriage was built on love, but it was not. I didn't know what love was. How to receive it nor how to give it. I had ruined the image of marriage, intimacy, and connection for myself. This set my marriage up for so many openings for the enemy to work. I always loved the quote that said marriage was just two imperfect people who refused to give up on each other and boy was that true! I was surely not perfect, and neither was my husband. At the early stages of our marriage things seemed good. It did not take long for it to reveal a faulty foundation though. I hid under the title of mom and wife for years. Just like everything else, I rocked it. I worked, took care of kids, cooked, cleaned, and loved my husband. Perfect life, right? Cody will probably tell you a completely different, but true version of the same few years. Most days I felt like I was mean, temperamental, quick to make decisions, annoyed, unresponsible with money, and selfish. I was not a fun person to live with. I was the definition of toxic unless you caught me on a good day. Now do not get me wrong, we had many good moments in these years, but I knew there could be so much more, but I didn't know what we were missing or how to obtain it. So, in result we lived a “normal” American life.

About six years into our marriage, we had gotten the opportunity to move out of our two-bedroom trailer to a bigger three-bedroom house. This was much needed because we had just had our daughter about a year or so before, so we were a tad bit cramped. We had two young kids I worked mornings and Cody worked nights. We sometimes went for days without seeing each other. The feeling of loneliness crept in, and I felt unloved, and unnoticed. One thing led to another, and I somehow managed to start communicating with the neighbor across the street who was also married. It sparked a feeling from childhood, the game like feeling that filled a void. It quickly turned into an affair. I had absolutely no feelings for this man but still would wake up day after day chasing this high from the affair. My guilt ate at my heart day in and day out. Until I eventually broke down and told Cody about the situation and left him. So here I was in my twenties with two kids a broken marriage and more regret and shame all over a man that meant nothing to me. I was the woman at the well.

During this time, I was diagnosed as bipolar. And up until recently I held that diagnosis like a crutch. Every time I messed up, I was sad, overly excited, or made rash decisions; I would just blame the diagnosis. It was the perfect Band-Aid to fix it all. I would tell myself, I wasn't a whore, I wasn't crazy, I wasn't a bad wife, I wasn't a bad mom, I wasn't irresponsible I was just bipolar, so everyone must understand, right? That diagnosis was just a pretty roll of wrapping paper that I would use to cover all my nasty sins to make it pretty and acceptable. Now I'm not saying mental health illnesses are fake and crutches for people to hide behind. I was just the manipulative type of person who made mine that way. This diagnosis did get me out of a lot of trouble. So why not use something bad for good was how I seen it. I would also like to add that sense then the Lord has healed me off this diagnosis, and I no longer hide behind a lie the enemy fed me that I accepted. I am free!

This lifestyle of affairs and hiding behind the diagnosis to blanket it all went on for about a year. One night though something changed in me. As if I had awoken from a bad dream and didn't recognize any of my surroundings or myself. The only thing I knew I needed and wanted to be around was Cody. So, I drove to him while he was at work. I thought I would be rejected by him but no he offered to help me. Get me out of that house and situation I had gotten myself into. He showed me Grace undeserved. A few days later as I was driving I had a strong urge that I needed to go to my brothers'. I called him and went right over. Little back tracking is needed here. Bobby and I had no relationship outside of occasional holidays or birthday parties. I had zero clue who he was and honestly at that time didn't want to. His wife and him greeted me with open arms and Love. They prayed with me and showed me what I had been searching for. Jesus. This was in 2020. I found Jesus, accepted him as my Savior, and was doing the Christian things. A piece of me healed that day.

Please come back next week to read, “All for His Glory: From unfaithful to devoted” (Part Three)