Philippians 3:12-14, New Living translation

“I don’t mean to say that I have achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

Let There Be Light - How God Turned On The Light Switch When I Turned 40 (Part Two)

Until recently, I had battled depression and anxiety. I was at my absolute lowest. I would often daydream about how I could die, and ways to do it. My body felt a heaviness. It was challenging getting out of bed in the morning. I started medication but had unpleasant side effects. I started talking to a therapist. It helped a little, but I was still struggling. I so badly wanted out of this living hell I was in. I wanted deliverance and restoration. I would cry out to God to heal me. When He didn’t answer my prayer, I would pray that God would take my life. I told Him I didn't know why He created me because I was just wasting it. I knew He had the power to give and take away. I would pray this every night but every morning I would rise. It felt like ground hog day every day. It was a maddening, vicious cycle.

I once was on fire for the Lord. I was no longer living as a child of light but was in the darkness. I had allowed the devil to infiltrate my mind. I allowed him to steal my hope, kill my joy, and destroy my identity. This didn’t happen overnight. This was a slow and subtle drift. I didn’t notice until I was so far off course that I wondered how I even got there. While reading scripture, prayer and fellowship became less and less. This was not intentional. It did not start out as rebellion but neglect, compromise, and complacency. We must change our mindset and set our mind on Jesus. Instead of focusing on past hurts and even the present ones, live each day as it comes, knowing Jesus walks alongside you. Keep the future in mind, focusing on your destination where our Creator waits for you. Paul speaks of this about pressing toward the goal.

“I don’t mean to say that I have achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” (Philippians 3:12-14, NLT)

Before, I would allow negative thoughts to spiral and consume my mind. Now, when a thought enters my mind, I immediately stop, take it captive and replace it with Truth. This takes practice and gets easier over time. I no longer count the days but make the days count. I stopped complaining and worrying, which I have found to be very unproductive because it gets you nowhere. Laughing, dancing, and listening to music are other good forms of medicine which has brought me much joy. I show myself and others grace, knowing that we are not perfect and never will be here on earth. I serve others when able. I am moving my body by walking every day and fueling my body with more whole foods. I go out into nature and pause to marvel at the beauty in God’s creation. I let the sun hit my face and take time to look at the stars. I practice gratitude, knowing that everything, even our lives, are gifts. I try to see others through God’s eyes. All these things can be a way of honoring and worshipping God!

With all that said, I can confidently say that Jesus has delivered me from the spirit of depression, anxiety and self-pity. I am so grateful that God didn’t leave me where I was. He allowed specific people to come into my life for such a time as this and interceded in prayer on my behalf. If anyone reading this has experienced the same struggles, please know that you are not alone and that I understand you. Remember, we cannot control the world around us, but we can control what we think, say, and do because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world.