Cindy Rouse

I am the perfect example of the prodigal child raised in a loving home with both parents. My mother was a Christian and we attended church three times a week. I knew a lot about Jesus, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Him.

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I was very shy and teased frequently due to my red hair, freckles, glasses, and my love of school. I had little self-esteem.

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In my desire to fit in, as a teenager, I tried smoking cigarettes, marijuana, and drinking.

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At 17, I became pregnant. The father wanted me to have an abortion. I couldn’t. At five months pregnant, I graduated from high school with honors. During my pregnancy, I was scared and felt very alone. I also felt a lot of shame.

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I married another man and had four daughters total. Over time, my husband became more and more controlling and very abusive. I remember thinking that God expected me to keep my marriage vow. He didn’t choose my husband, I did. I had made a lot of bad choices.

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At the age of 33, I enrolled in college. My kids were all in school. I wanted to be a nurse, but my husband wouldn’t allow me to attend any school but Kent Salem. They didn’t offer that program. I applied for the Radiology program and graduated with honors two and a half years later, with an associate’s degree. I had hoped this would improve my family’s situation, but things worsened. My husband couldn’t keep a job and his jealousy deepened as he realized he was losing control because I was working.

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Eventually, I left my marriage. My parents helped me to start over. While speaking to my mom of the abuse one day, she explained to me that God didn’t expect us to endure abuse in a marriage. I was relieved to hear that. I wanted to obey God’s commands, even though I wasn’t a Christian.

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I was determined to make better choices and have a better life for myself and my kids. My radiology license expired; there was no room in my budget. I wasn’t receiving any child support, so I was working two and three jobs to support myself and three of my kids. The other two had moved out on their own. I was also trying to pay for a divorce and bankruptcy. God was allowing me to believe that if I just worked hard enough, relying upon myself, I would eventually have the “good life,” not knowing what that would look like.

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I remarried one year later to my “soul mate.” We didn’t fight at all and we both enjoyed many things together, including partying. Later, I would realize he was an alcoholic, but by then I was also.

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I started working at a meat packing plant, six and seven days a week. My husband was spending a lot of time by himself at home; due to a medical condition, he could no longer work. I was making good money and finally had some financial independence. I was saving money so we could travel some day.

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My husband and I were drifting apart. One day when I came home from work, he told me he got saved from watching The 700 Club. I took his lead and also got saved. I knew we had been wasting our lives away and maybe God could fix us. I figured He had to have a better plan than I did because mine wasn’t working.

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I started attending the church I grew up in with my mom. God put a hunger in my heart for His Word and it was a daily pleasure. My husband attended for a while, then quit coming. Soon I quit partying and became serious about God.

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One day at church, a woman whom I had only seen a couple times came up to me and said, “I don’t know your name, but the Holy Spirit is saying to tell you to slay your giants and be done with it once and for all.” She had no idea what it meant, but I did. I started crying. I had been praying for my marriage to heal and strengthen, if it was God’s will. I realized my life was going to change drastically, but I was at the end of myself.

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God has shown up mightily for me. He released me from my marriage. He gave me a peace I had never known throughout that difficult time. He turned my shame and sorrow into joy, giving me hope again. Day by day, through His grace and mercy, He is teaching me His faithfulness and teaching me He is trustworthy. More importantly, He is teaching me I don’t have to be self-reliant; He is my Father and will take care of me as long as I follow Him. I still make mistakes, but He is merciful to forgive me. I am a work in progress.

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Jesus was waiting patiently on me. I was looking for love in all the wrong places; it was right beside me! I regret not walking with Him sooner, and I pray He will guide me to fulfill His will in my life, because He is my hope.